Mrs B bought me an iWatch recently.

Do you have one?

If not you should, they’re fantastic. I’ve never felt so fit in my life.

When I get up in the night The Watch tells me how well I’m doing.

I’m only going to the loo and it thinks I’m Usain Bolt.

‘You have achieved your first goal’ it says, as if I’ve just won the Olympic 100 meters.

It’s beside itself when I pull my pants on in the morning.

‘Congratulations you are ahead of your fitness circles,’ (whatever they are).

By the time I’ve made a slice of toast and fed the cat The Watch is incandescent with praise (it needs to get out more).

If I sit down for more than an hour I get a message saying it’s ‘time to stand’.

Should I remain vertical for more than a minute I get an ‘excellent’ alert.

I’m not kidding, wear one of these watches and you will feel like a Super Hero simply by taking your elbow off the bar.

By Vic Barlow